The Return of the Tree
by Scegan
Summary: Aragorn has to find the crazy tree that was in the Return of the King! Unfortunately, he's not the brightest light in the harbor...Is Arwen a gold digger? Read on! :)
1. Default Chapter

A/N - Hi everyone! Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read my story. Just so you all know, it has been quite a long time since I read The Return of the King. I'm sorry if I mess up and change some of the aspects of the book! Anyway, I'll stop carrying on about who knows what. Enjoy! All reviews are welcome! This is supposed to be funny. (Although I have most likely been seriously led astray somewhere if I believe myself to be at all humorous.) I have the utmost respect for Tolkien's works. This is for the sole purpose of bringing smiles! (  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the wit in this story. (Is there even wit? Probably not.) Tolkien's great mind came up with all original characters and plot lines. The crazy tree plot is Tolkien's, but I have insanely twisted it! Mwahahaha. But I do own the DVD of the fellowship of the ring! Wahoo for me! Oh and I don't own CVS Pharmacies. (Who does anyway?)  
  
The Return of the Tree  
  
Arwen strode slowly toward Aragorn, the King of Gondor. Sauron had been defeated. Arwen knew it was now time for Aragorn's quest to commence.  
  
"Aragorn, my lord, it is time for your quest."  
  
"What quest is it that you speak of?" Aragorn's greasy hair glittered in the afternoon sun. Damn, he thought, that shampoo just isn't working! I'll have to get my money back from CVS Pharmacy.  
  
"Aragorn!" Arwen screamed. She disliked being ignored. "What! God, woman, we've been married for a day and you're already annoying me!" Aragorn thoughts trailed back to his greasy hair.  
  
"Aragorn," Arwen sighed, "I know listening to anyone but yourself talk is very hard, I have the same problem, but you have to embark on the mightiest quest of all."  
  
"Get on with it. I'm listening." Aragorn was getting annoyed; he needed to get new shampoo from CVS!  
  
"You must find . . . the tree." Arwen's tone was serious.  
  
"The tree?" Aragorn snapped his head dramatically.  
  
"The tree." Arwen nodded.  
  
Aragorn paused. "What tree?"  
  
"You idiot!" Arwen snapped. "Elessar, you must replant the tree of Gondor! Only then can the city return to the glory of yesteryear."  
  
"Who's Elessar?" Aragorn looked confused.  
  
"You are!" Arwen snapped. "It's another one of your names. Good God, you'd think you could be satisfied with one name, but no, you have to have, like, ten!"  
  
Aragorn nodded solemnly, not listening to Arwen's spiel. After another long pause, he said, "Sorry hun, I still don't know what tree you're talking about. Did you overdose on caffeine pills again? That most likely isn't good for your health, you know."  
  
"No! This is important, you halfwit. Go find the tree. I have faith you will succeed."  
  
"Oh . . . okay." Aragorn. "Where would I find this so called tree?"  
  
"How the hell should I know?" Arwen shrugged. "You're the hero with valor and all that jazz. You figure it out!"  
  
"Some help you are." Aragorn glared at his new wife.  
  
"Shut the hell up!" Arwen yelled. "I don't need your antagonism right now."  
  
"Wow...why'd I marry you again?" Aragorn squinted his eyes, as though he were thinking. Yes, this is quite insane, seeing as how he rarely has intelligent thoughts.  
  
"Just find the damn tree!" Arwen sputtered.  
  
"Fine!" Aragorn shot Arwen a dirty look. Then his face brightened. "Hey! Can you get me some shampoo? I need a different brand."  
  
"No!" Arwen snarled, turning her back. "You'd better find that tree! I gave up my immortality to be the Queen of Gondor . . . oops, I mean, your wife . . . just find the tree and restore Gondor!"  
  
Aragorn, being the rather stupid man that he is, did not get Arwen's statement. Good thing, too. Tolkien's trilogy would have been ruined.  
  
~  
  
"Dumb bisnatch!" Aragorn complained, his hands on his hips. "There's no tree here!"  
  
"I can still hear you! You haven't walked four feet!" Arwen screamed from inside.  
  
"Oh yeah!" Aragorn smiled. He started to walk to the right . . . but then turned to the left. I don't know which way to go, he thought. Feeling inferior, Aragorn sat down and buried his head in his hands. However, after a moment, he jumped up and exclaimed, "I know! I'll do eenie meenie minie moe! (A/N: I have no idea how that's spelled.) After doing this several times, (he lost count once . . . or twice . . . all right it was three times) he decided to go left.  
  
"I'm off to see the wizard!" He skipped happily along.  
  
"No you're not!" Arwen hollered after him. "You're off to find my tree, you son of a.."  
  
But Aragorn did not hear her. He was too busy trying to sing. All living creatures in the same proximity as him covered its ears.  
  
~ Meanwhile. (A/N - Don't you love meanwhiles? I know, Sauron was destroyed and all that jazz, but pretend he went off to some happy land, ok? Good!)  
  
Sauron and his defeated minions sat around a bonfire in some far away land. Sauron, after being destroyed (or so we thought . . . mwaha) by that damned hobbit, had taken up numerous hobbies. After knitting and floral designing had not satiated his boredom, he decided to make an art out of his evil cackles. (Sauron deals with his anger in many ways, friends.)  
  
"To perfect your evil cackles, you must first perfect your tone of voice." Sauron waved a pointer around, even though he wasn't pointing at anything in particular. "Now, after you get the really nice deep tone, you must decide which evil cackle you prefer. Now, some prefer the 'muahahaha', with a u, while others take a fancy to 'mwahaha', with a w. It is really your choice. I, personally, like both. Now, moving on."  
  
"Wait," an orc interrupted. "I don't get it! How can there be two ways to say it?"  
  
"You idiot! You're incompetent! You fools! Don't you listen! Ahhh! I can't take this! Why, why, why couldn't I have just dissipated into nothingness? But no! I'm stuck with you invalids!" Sauron carried on like this for quite awhile. However, he soon broke out of his madness, and continued discussing different evil cackles.  
  
"Now, you can add a 'he' into your cackle, so it sounds insane, much like mwahehahahaha. However, if you overdo this addition, then you sound like a horse, or a donkey, or something of that sort. Avoid this. Moving on."  
  
The lesson continued. Sauron broke into more rages. His minions became no better at their evil cackles. Perhaps he should consider ballet.  
  
A/N - Wow! The first chapter of my first fic completed! Enjoy! Please review! Thanks everyone! Peace and much love, Scegan 


	2. Chapter Two

A/N - Chapter Two of the Return of the Tree! Thank you to any and all who read Chapter one. The Chapter One format is still a little messed up, but at least I got my computer to fix the paragraphs! Oh, also, if you haven't read the Return of the King, there may be a couple spoilers here and there. Sorry!  
  
I'd like to give a special thanks to Silwen Aurdomiel for reviewing and tipping me off on the error in format. I'm such a computer dummy! Oh well, I'm learning! This chapter should be better.  
  
Disclaimer - All original plot lines and characters belong to Tolkien. Even the crazy tree plot. (I love that crazy tree!) All new twists are mine. Again, I respect Tolkien's work. I am not mocking him in any way; I'm just trying to bring some smiles!  
  
The Return of the Tree - Chapter Two  
  
"Where is that crazy tree?" Aragorn said disdainfully. "There are lots of trees here! Which one is the crazy tree of Gondor?"  
  
Aragorn muttered angrily to himself for quite some time. He tried very hard to focus on his quest. This was very difficult, seeing as how he only really wanted to find more shampoo for his hair. 'This is a disgrace,' he thought to himself, 'if my father could see me now, he'd be ashamed at my unkempt hair.'  
  
"NO!" He yelled out loud. "I must focus on my mission. I must find that crazy tree!"  
  
Aragorn sat down on a rock and, once more, tried to think. "Gosh, this is such a random turn of events. Why can't I just wear a crown and look pretty! If I had some shampoo, then I could look nice! Ah!"  
  
Aragorn was trying so very hard to think that he did no notice a very short man approach him.  
  
"Excuse me, Strider," the hobbit said.  
  
"Hey! It's Frodo!" Aragorn's face brightened. "I'm looking for a crazy tree!"  
  
"You're looking for a tree?" A confused look came over Frodo's face.  
  
"No, silly," Aragorn laughed. "I'm looking for a crazy tree. It's really pretty crazy. You see, any tree is a tree, but I need to find the Crazy Tree of Gondor!"  
  
"Oh, all right," Frodo shrugged. "You really have changed since I saw you last, friend. Well, anyway, I just came to say that I'm going to the Undying Lands with all those super cool elf people. They're so tall! So very tall! And I'm so short! Wahh!"  
  
Frodo quickly got over his feelings of inferiority over his vertical challenges.  
  
"Yeah, so, good luck with your whole Gondor tree thing," Frodo waved and began to walk away.  
  
"The crazy tree!" Aragorn corrected. "Hey! Wait a minute! You could help me find the crazy tree!"  
  
"Nope," Frodo shook his head. "Gotta go with the elves."  
  
"No," Aragorn smiled, "You have to come with me!"  
  
"Nope," Frodo said again. "I'm pretty sure all the elf peoples are leaving for good. They won't come back for me. Goodbye, Aragorn. Thanks for saving my ass all those times."  
  
"Damn," Aragorn cursed under his breath. "I almost got that short little man to help me find my crazy tree."  
  
Aragorn watched Frodo walk off into the fading sun. He began to feel a little nostalgic. "That little man was my friend. What was he again? A hobbie? A hobe? No! He was a hobo. That's it! He was a hobo. Goodness, I shall miss my friend Frodo the Hobo."  
  
Aragorn was about to turn away when an idea occurred to him. "Hey! My friend! Frodo the Hobo, I've a bone to pick with you!"  
  
"Strider! What? I have to go. And I'm not a hobo. I have a home!" Frodo scowled.  
  
"Where do you buy your shampoo?" Aragorn called toward Frodo's retreating back. "Your hair isn't greasy!"  
  
"Oh! Thanks for noticing! I bought mine at Target. You really need to get away from those CVS brands, man." Frodo ran his fingers through his hair.  
  
"Thank you! Frodo the Hobo, I will always remember you!" Aragorn waved to his friend.  
  
"I'm not a hobo, you dimwit!" Frodo scowled.  
  
"Yes, yes you are!" Aragorn called. "Hey, I've been called a halfwit and a dimwit today. Those must mean very good things. Such praise for me!"  
  
Frodo did not respond. He rolled his eyes and started to walk away. No, wait, he was running. He didn't want Aragorn to ask him more questions.  
  
Author's Note - I'm sorry that this chapter is shorter than the last one! I'm trying to cook up some more ideas. Thanks for reading! Please review, everyone! Oh, and sorry about typos. I tried to catch them all, but some slip through my grasp! Hehe! Smiles, Scegan 


	3. Chapter Three

A/N - Chapter 3! Wahoo! I'm on a role this weekend. I was thinking about how long I should make this silly little thing, and I'm really not sure yet. I guess it just depends on what ideas the strange voices in my head convey to me. Just kidding. There are no voices in my head, haha. Anyway, on with the story!  
  
Thanks to my reviewers! You guys make me keep doing this!  
  
Silwen Aurdomiel - I'm glad you think this defines humor! That's really nice of you. Keep up the good work with your story! It's really great.  
  
Loathsome Warg - I'll try to add as much as I can! By the way, your limericks are really funny!!  
  
Disclaimer - All original plot lines and characters belong to Tolkien. I have created any new twists. This, hopefully, will bring some smiles! This is not meant to mock Tolkien or his genius mind. I don't, sadly, own Tiffany's or a Tiffany's ring either. I still don't own CVS Pharmacies. (I'm working on it, guys, don't worry. Just kidding!)  
  
The Return of the Tree - Chapter Three (A/N - Hey, that rhymes!)  
  
Sauron repetitiously drummed his fingers against his chin. In the background, hundreds of his minions tried in vain to voice a flawless evil cackle.  
  
"Shut up!" He screamed, but he could not be heard over the noise. "I need to get out of here! But how? There is no way! I have been banished here for all eternity! Wahhhhhh!"  
  
No one noticed the large creature, complete with that crazy horned helmet, bawl in the corner. Sauron was beginning to feel that all hope was lost. However, an idea occurred soon to him.  
  
"Wait a minute," A ruthless smile came over his face. "Maybe I can't be ruler of the universe.but I may be able to capture Gondor from that mentally incapacitated heir of Isildur. But how shall I thwart him?"  
  
After pondering this hindrance for a moment, Sauron called an orc over. "Bob! You're the gossip queen of this God forsaken place, are you not?"  
  
"I am! I am! Thank you, evil lord, I am finally being recognized for my contributions to the world of gossip!" The orc wiped a tear from his eye.  
  
"Yes, yes, I'm so proud of you." Sauron waved a hand carelessly. "Tell me what you know about the marriage between Arwen and Aragorn."  
  
"Well, if my sources in Middle Earth are correct, the marriage is on the rocks. Arwen wanted the glory of being queen, not the responsibility."  
  
"Anything else?" Sauron was intrigued.  
  
"Well," Bob the orc looked mysteriously around, making sure no others were listening. This was purely for the dramatic effect. No one cared about Aragorn and Arwen. In fact, most of the orcs were too confused by the fact that Aragorn had more than one name to even care who he was. "From what I hear, Arwen is upset because Aragorn is too stupid to find the Crazy Tree of Gondor."  
  
"The Crazy Tree of Gondor?" Sauron said, snapping his head much like Aragorn did in the first chapter.  
  
"The Crazy Tree of Gondor." Bob nodded. "Aragorn does not have the brain capacity to find this tree. In fact, he doesn't even really know what it looks like."  
  
"Hmm," Sauron said thoughtfully. "Aragorn's stupidity could be used to my advantage. I just may be able to convince Arwen that she'd be much happier with someone who nearly took over the world. I will go and find the tree! Do you know of anything else that I can use?"  
  
"Well," Bob the orc responded, "Arwen's also pissed off because, this is a direct quote sir, 'that son of a bitch didn't buy me a Tiffany's engagement ring, damn it.' She's very upset about this. She searches for wealth, sir. Let me leave it at that."  
  
"Mwahaha!" Sauron smiled after all the orcs applauded his flawless evil cackle. "To Middle Earth I go to persuade Arwen that I should be her king!"  
  
"But sir," Bob the orc protested. "You were sent here to remain in exile until the end of all eternity. You cannot go back to Middle Earth!"  
  
"Shut the hell up!" Sauron snapped. "The author of this fan fiction controls me. If she says I can go back to Middle Earth, I sure as hell can!"  
  
Sauron's cape blew dramatically in the wind. "I shall go and win Arwen's heart. But first, to Tiffany's! Come, Bob. For your contributions, you get to come with me! Such an honor I have never given! Feel loved, you fool."  
  
"I feel loved!" Bob cried. "My dreams are coming true! I get to experience Middle Earth first hand again! For so long I have been relying on my gossip connections!"  
  
"Yes, right, sure," Sauron didn't hear a word Bob said. "Again, to Tiffany's!"  
  
All the orcs clapped wildly as Sauron and Bob skipped happily to the Mitsubishi that would take them to Middle Earth. Sauron could only hope that Arwen's gold digging instincts would kick in. She acquired these from Elrond. Who would suspect that Elrond was a gold digger too! (Dramatic music plays.)  
  
A/N - Chapter Three done! Wow, a whole chapter about Sauron. I'd like to thank my friend EB for giving me the idea about Tiffany's. Next time, we'll pick up with Aragorn, and maybe even see some more Frodo. Sauron at Tiffany's? (Maybe a song? haha) Interesting concept. Who knows? Happy reading! Review if you can! Lots of love, Scegan 


	4. Chapter Four

A/N - Chapter four! Wahoo! This is a great way to take my mind off the chemistry that I, well, don't really know how to do. Oops! Anyway, I'd like to thank my reviewers! You guys are great!  
  
Silwen Aurdomiel - Thanks for your review! Your story is coming along very nicely, by the way! Keep up the good work. Happy reading!  
  
Blackbandit - Thanks Christina! I'll try to work on minimizing the number of a/n I put in the chapter. I'm glad you like the humor. I need to read some of the fan fictions you've done!  
  
Disclaimer - All original plot lines and characters came from the great mind of Tolkien. He probably hates me for building off the ideas that took him years and years to formulate, but I'm just trying to get some smiles out of you guys! I also claim no ownership to the song Breakfast at Tiffany's. I believe the original performer is the group Deep Blue Something. I also have nothing personal against Martha Stewart and her enterprises. Really, I don't. As for CVS? Apparently fifteen-year-old girls shouldn't own companies. Who came up with that? Hehe.  
  
The Return of the Tree - Chapter Four  
  
Aragorn darted from his behind a rock to a new hiding place several feet away. Yes, this is strange, considering the fact that no one pursued him.  
  
"I mustn't be caught!" He whispered to no one in particular. "They cannot find me!"  
  
A random passing creature gave Aragorn a very strange look. "No one's following you."  
  
"Oh, but they are!" Aragorn cried with a mysterious tone. "They are ever watchful of my movements! Try as they might, I shan't let them sabotage my quest!"  
  
"Dude, no one's out to get you. Do you need medication for paranoid schizophrenia?" The creature's countenance turned sympathetic.  
  
"Thanks for ruining all my fun, you random passing creature you!" Aragorn stood and brushed himself off. "Be gone! I have to find the Crazy Tree of Gondor!"  
  
"Whatever you say," The random passing creature shook his head and ventured away.  
  
"Now, for the tree!" Aragorn proudly called. "I shall find it, lest Arwen butcher me."  
  
Aragorn observed the many trees around him. They all looked the same. "The Crazy Tree of Gondor will most likely stand out. But what separates a crazy tree from a normal tree? This brings up a new obstacle that I, Aragorn, shall surpass! Wait. Am I Aragorn? Or am I Elessar? Strider? Damn! I can't remember."  
  
Aragorn's thoughts, once again, strayed from his initial task of finding the Crazy Tree of Gondor. His very small mind capacity cannot be troubled with more than one thing at a time, friends. His thought process takes much longer than that of a normal human being. Perhaps his greasy hair makes him self-conscious, thus limiting his ability to think clearly.  
  
  
  
Sauron and Bob exited the Middle Earth Highway Transport System and headed to the local Tiffany & Co. outlet.  
  
"Here we are!" Sauron said, clapping his hands.  
  
"Yay!" Bob squealed. His excitement sounded much like a young child's exhilaration at the end of a long car trip. "I bet you got tired of me asking 'are we there yet?' every five minutes!"  
  
"No, it wasn't at all tiresome," Sauron sarcastically responded. Bob, not being too knowledgeable of things outside the world of gossip, did not pick up on the sarcasm.  
  
"Come, Bob!" Sauron ushered Bob through the doors of the store. "We must find the perfect diamond so I can win Arwen's heart."  
  
As soon as Sauron and his new pawn entered Tiffany's, silence erupted from all within. After a moment, someone screamed, "Ah! It's the dark lord! Run for your life!"  
  
Chairs were knocked over, employees trampled, and cases broken during the mad rush to the exit. "Why are they running?" Sauron looked confused and hurt. "Do I smell?"  
  
He soon, however, noticed one employee cowering in the corner. "Cool, no lines! Sir, I am in need of your assistance."  
  
"Y-y-yes, dark lord, sir," the employee meekly responded. "How m-may I help you?"  
  
"Give me the biggest rock you have!" Sauron gleefully peered into display cases, his eyes lighting up at the sight of glimmering jewels. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bob trying on a tiara and a matching necklace. "Bob! No touching! How many times do I have to tell you?"  
  
"Well, actually, that's the first time you've warned me." Bob removed his tiara.  
  
"Don't talk back to me, young man!" Sauron shook his head and rolled his eyes at the employee. "Kids," he chuckled.  
  
The employee nodded and hesitantly smiled. "Sir, this is the largest diamond we have in stock at the moment. Eight carats. Any girl would love this."  
  
"I'm not after just any girl," Sauron smiled. "I'm after the queen!"  
  
"Well, this diamond is fit for a queen, sir."  
  
Sauron nodded thoughtfully and tapped his fingers on the counter. After a moment, he pulled out his magnifying glass and began to inspect the ring.  
  
"I assure you, sir, it is of the highest quality, as are all Tiffany & Co. jewels." The employee stated.  
  
"Well, you can never be too sure these days," Sauron shook his head. "Corporations can be very corrupt. This could be made of plastic, super glue, and saran wrap, for all I know. Look at Martha Stewart! I placed so much trust in her enterprises! And look at her now! Insider trading is what that woman resorted to. Martha Stewart was the real cause of my demise, not some hobbit. Or was it a hobo? I don't know. Anyway, one has to be extra careful these days."  
  
"Saran wrap, sir?" The employee frowned. "I find it hard to believe saran wrap could be used in a ring."  
  
"Hey! Don't contradict me! Am I not the Lord of the Rings? My expertise is in fine jewelry!" Sauron roared. "Just put the ring in one of those spiffy blue boxes. Do you accept Visa?" Sauron pulled out his credit card, the owner being stated as 'Sauron, master of Middle Earth, buyer of many things.' Only Sauron gets a special name on his credit card.  
  
"Right away, sir," The employee smiled. "Thank you very much! I work on commission, you know."  
  
"Yes, so proud of you," Sauron commented, not really listening.  
  
On the two evil being's way out of the store, Bob said, "You know what, Mr. Sauron? Tiffany's inspired me to write a song about you!"  
  
"You wrote a whole song for me?" Sauron jumped up and down with glee.  
  
"Well, I actually only changed the lyrics to the Deep Blue Something song, Breakfast at Tiffany's."  
  
"That's all I'm worth?" Sauron snapped. "Very well, sing the song, Bob."  
  
"Yay!" Bob cleared his throat and began with the lyrics to the chorus:  
  
I said what about Sauron at Tiffany's?  
  
She said I think I remember the guy  
  
And as I recall he tried to take over the world  
  
And I said well it sucks that he's back!  
  
"That's terrible," Sauron cried. "Unimaginative and uninspired. Absolutely horrible. You didn't capture all the wonderful highlights of my outstanding character!"  
  
"I'll work on it," Bob looked ashamed as he got into the passenger seat of the Mitsubishi.  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N - Wow! That contained more Sauron than I thought it would, but that's ok! We all love Sauron, don't we? No? Just me? Okay then. Next time, will we find out if Sauron's true passion is a play on words with his title, the Lord of the Rings? Just kidding, lol, I didn't even really plan that. Anyway, thanks for reading. Review if you can! (C'mon! You know you want to!) 


	5. Chapter Five

A/N - Hey guys! I have returned. It actually hasn't been that long. Anyway, I'm going to try to add more characters! Yeah, and the whole song thing didn't work out, but that's ok! I tried. Ok, I didn't, but we'll pretend I did. I'd like to thank my reviewers:  
  
Blackbandit - Thanks for the tips, Christina. I'll try to add more Frodo the Hobo in later chapters! Mwahaha.  
  
Loathsome Warg - Thanks for your review guys! I was thinking of adding more characters. Thanks for the suggestion!  
  
Guy in the dress - Those were some good times, haha. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Disclaimer - All original plot lines and characters belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. The new wit is mine. I am not mocking Tolkien or his characters in any way, shape, or form. Damn, I can't think of ways to make these disclaimers funny anymore. Oh well, that probably annoyed people anyway.  
  
The Return of the Tree - Chapter Five  
  
Merry and Pippin lounged by the bank of a creek. Water trickled between their toes, and ran over their hairy feet. Since the ring had been destroyed, the two friends found they had much more leisure time. This is obvious. Did they have any leisure time while they were fighting great battles? Probably not. Although, they might have. Maybe Tolkien just forgot to write about the great parties and bonfires they had with Denethor and Eowyn.  
  
At this moment, someone comes and whacks the author upside the head for digressing.  
  
"Hey Merry," Pippin said, "where'd that other one go? You know, the one who was always having conniptions and stuff?"  
  
"Do you mean Frodo?" Merry gave Pippin a strange look.  
  
"Yeah! That was his name." Pippin squealed with excitement. "Where did he go?"  
  
"Have you forgotten?" Merry shook his head at his friend's poor memory. Actually, Merry was shaking his head at that lack of memory in his friend. "He went away with the elves!"  
  
"Right," Pippin nodded thoughtfully. "Why did they choose him to take the ring to Mordor again?"  
  
"How many times must I explain this to you?" Merry gave an exasperated sigh. "The point of that part of the book, I mean the quest, was to prove that the person with the best heart would prevail over all others. You never got that?"  
  
"I guess not," Pippin looked confused. "I just always thought Elrond was on an acid trip or something.  
  
"Well, Pip, I don't think Elrond is a drug addict." Merry did not even try to understand his friend's deranged logic. "I have heard that he's a gold digger, though."  
  
"Like Arwen?" Pippin's ears perked up at this.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"So he inherited it from her?"  
  
Merry shook his head again. "Pippin, listen to me. Once again, Arwen inherited her traits from her parents, not the other way around. It's just like the time you asked me if Elrond got his brown hair from Arwen. The answer is no, Pippin, no."  
  
"Oh, okay." Pippin still looked a little confused. "Why?"  
  
Merry didn't respond. Over the years, he has learned over the years that Pippin eventually stops talking if no one answers him.  
  
Joy filled Frodo's heart as he stepped onto the soft grass in the Undying Lands. If a Utopian like place actually exists, this is definitely it, he thought.  
  
"Welcome, Frodo the Hobo! You are the great hobo that saved Middle Earth from almost certain destruction." The elves and other creatures around him chorused.  
  
"How do you people know one idiot of a man called me a hobo?" Frodo looked around incredulously. "Don't you people have anything better to do but gossip?"  
  
The elves looked at one another, then at the ground. "No, not really," one of them said after awhile.  
  
"Damn," Frodo shook his head. "Why'd I come here again?"  
  
"Because this is the closest thing to a Utopian like society you can and will ever experience," one of the elves answered promptly.  
  
"Do you guys get visitors often?" Frodo eyed the group of elves nervously. "It seems like you have a script prepared or something."  
  
"No, we just know everything. We can see your thoughts!" An elf laughed maliciously. After receiving odd looks from Frodo and his company, he cleared his throat. "Sorry. Anyway, welcome Frodo the Hobo!"  
  
"Are you sure we didn't accidentally come to the island where the judicial system ships all the mentally unstable people they don't want anyone to know about?" Frodo asked Gandalf.  
  
"Fairly sure," the old wizard smiled. "Either way, we'll have a grand old time!"  
  
  
  
A/N - Will Pippin ever learn the biological rules of genetics? Is Frodo really on an island full of crazy elves? Tune in, uh, when I update! I'm sorry this chapter is kind of short.  
  
Thanks for reading! Review if you feel so inclined.  
  
Lots of love, Scegan  
  
Keep reading and writing everyone! 


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note - Hey guys! I'm back. I know it's been about two weeks, so sorry about the wait. Only one review! Well, actually, it was from two people, so it kind of counts as two. Maybe? Not really. Anyway, I'd like to thank Loathsome Warg for the review. I'm glad you liked the last update!  
  
Disclaimer - All original plot lines and characters belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. Any new twists are mine. My own! My precious! Yeah, ok, I'll stop now. I am not mocking Tolkien's creation.  
  
The Return of the Tree - Chapter 6  
  
Aragorn wailed with despair as all hope began to slip from within his grasp. His aim was to make any passing people, such as the Random Passing Creature, think his quest was ultimately too difficult for any being to complete. In truth, however, he was crying because of the tree and because of his hair.  
  
"The tree!" He cried. "I shall never be able to find it. There are simply too many trees! And my hair doesn't even look nice! This place is too large. Why can't I just govern the island where I send all the crazy elves I don't want people to know about? That would be much easier than trying to find some lame ass tree."  
  
Realizing the person to whom he was speaking was, well, himself, Aragorn ceased his conversation. He was no nearer to completing his quest than when he had first left his home.  
  
"Maybe I can bribe someone to find the tree for me." He resumed his conversation with himself. "Or better yet, threaten them with immense pain and unspeakable punishment! Mwahaha!"  
  
Aragorn cleared his throat and looked around to make no one had heard his little outburst. "What were those other two hobos named? No, no, not Sam. Sam was the fat one. Pimpin' and Sherry?"  
  
It is quite obvious now that Aragorn has trouble with names. After pondering his choices for a moment, he exclaimed, "Did Pimpin' write that rap song! The lyrics were so profound. They left such a deep impact on my life! Big Pimpin' up in NYC! I absolutely love that song."  
  
Aragorn had finally made up his mind. He proceeded to the Shire to convince "Sherry" and "Pimpin'" to aid him in this his hour of need.  
  
Sauron happily sang along to loud music on the radio as he cruised down the Interstate. "You see," he said to Bob, "you much search deep within yourself to find music! Lyrics are not merely words; they are expressions of one's deepest and most profound thoughts!"  
  
Sauron was silent for a moment, but he soon resumed his thoughts about Arwen. "I used to not like Arwen. She kept trying to kill that other elf, Glorfindel. I guess she finally succeeded. I haven't heard much of old Glorfindel. He was a good pal. Arwen took credit for saving that one hobo dude."  
  
"You were friends with an elf?" Bob chimed in.  
  
"Uh, well, yes," Sauron cackled. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But actually, the elves and I go way back. I initially set up the island where they send all the crazy ones, you know. That's a great place. You should visit sometime! Nothing's better than relaxing on the beach with deranged elves at your service."  
  
"Right," Bob said.  
  
A/N - I hope you guys liked this chapter! I'm sorry it's short, but try and review!!!! Thanks! Lots of love, Scegan 


	7. Chapter Seven

Author's Note - The lack of reviews shall not deter me! Perhaps it will discourage, dissuade, and cause me to be all the synonyms of deter, but it will not actually deter me! (  
  
Disclaimer - All original plot lines belong to Tolkien. I am not mocking his work in any way. I wish only to bring smiles. Also, I have recently been informed that I do, in fact, own CVS Pharmacies! Wahoo. (Watch the people from CVS come sue me.)  
  
The Return of the Tree - Chapter Seven  
  
Frodo approached the hall where a formal banquet was being held in honor of his arrival. He was slightly freaked out about the possibility he was on an island full of insane elves, but he did not let it dampen his spirits. An elf waited by the door of the hall; he smiled as Frodo drew closer.  
  
"Ah, my friend, the hall shall be ready for you shortly. We apologize; we did not expect your arrival to be so soon."  
  
"Please, do not let me trouble you. Take your time." Frodo felt relieved. This elf seemed normal.  
  
However, Frodo's calm feelings were short-lived. At that moment, another elf ran out of hall, chasing a chicken, which, frankly, looked quite terrified. If it is possible for a chicken to look terrified. If Frodo were not so frightened, the sight of a cackling elf chasing a chicken around in circled would have been quite amusing. However, it's one of those stories that frightens you at first, but makes you laugh later.  
  
"Sorry about that, sir," the elf said after he had obtained his bird. "Ritual cult sacrifice day, you know. It's a big deal around here."  
  
"Clayton!" The elf standing by the door snarled. "He's not supposed to know about our s-e-c-r-e-t c-u-l-t."  
  
"Do you think I don't know you're spelling out secret cult?" Frodo was very confused. These elves were quite deranged.  
  
"Uh, right, no," Clayton said. "Well, I must go, uh, cook this bird for you to eat. No sacrifices are going on here."  
  
Frodo nodded, but still felt quite unsure of this whole elf island. I should have known, he thought to himself. A whole island full of elves. What made me think they'd be sane?  
  
~  
  
Pippin hummed merrily to himself. He enjoyed spending days by himself, thinking about very stupid things. By stupid things I mean he wonders why Seven Eleven has locks on the doors, when they are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.  
  
Aragorn saw Pippin skipping merrily around. "Here's my chance," Aragorn said aloud. "I can capture this unsuspecting hobo, and he'll help me find the tree! Mwahaha! This shall be most fun. I must be cunning. This hobo looks like a supremely intelligent creature. He will most likely put up a fight."  
  
Don't ask how Aragorn got from Gondor to the Shire in such a short time. He has supernatural powers. That is the answer to everything, is it not?  
  
"Hello friend!" Aragorn called. "Come join me in my quest for the tree!"  
  
Pippin looked up and shrieked with delight. "It's the one guy who was always trying to snag all the glory! He really knew how to show off with a sword! Tolkien and Peter Jackson, uh, I mean the other members of the quest had to subdue him a lot."  
  
"Uh, right," Aragorn said. I knew this one was smart, he thought to himself.  
  
"Hey," Pippin said suddenly, "if pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?"  
  
"Um, I don't know," Aragorn looked confused. "Intelligent questions such as the ones this hobo is posing confuse me," he muttered to himself. "This must be part of his psychological warfare."  
  
"So," Aragorn said after a moment. "How about the tree?"  
  
"Oh yeah, that," Pippin said. "Sure, why not?"  
  
"Wow," Aragorn smiled, "that was easy. But I must be on my guard. This interesting creature will most likely try and thwart me at a latter date."  
  
That's all for today! Hope you enjoyed.  
  
Should I even bother asking for reviews? 


	8. Chapter Eight

Author's Note - The short hiatus has ended. I have returned. Wahoo!  
  
Mia and Adam - Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Disclaimer - Nothing new here, kids. If I were J.R.R. Tolkien, I would be dead, therefore making it impossible for me to write on fanfiction.net. So there! Ha! Random Passing Creature is mine. Don't steal him, or he'll get mad at you.  
  
The Return of the Tree - Chapter Eight  
  
Frodo nervously eyed the elves around him as he entered their hall. Many were scrambling around, obviously trying to hide the evidence of their ritual cult sacrifice. They really weren't doing too good of a job, considering the several chickens hiding under tables and chairs.  
  
"Hey, if I'm interrupting you guys, I can leave," Frodo gestured toward the door. "I can come back next week. Or even the week after that. Actually, does three weeks from never sound all right with you?"  
  
The elves around Frodo shook their heads and smiled. "Friend, you must stay! We have prepared this feast for you. The previous guests are just a little late in leaving. They don't know when they're overstaying their welcome, haha."  
  
"You host chickens?"  
  
"Uh," A lanky blond elf looked at the ground, "yes."  
  
"Gandalf?" Frodo pulled on the wizard's robe. "Let's get the hell out of here. Now."  
  
At this, Gandalf began to whine noisily while stomping his foot into the ground. "No! I don't wanna go! You can't make me!"  
  
Frodo, quite taken aback by Gandalf's childish outburst, didn't now how to respond. "Very well," he patted Gandalf's arm, "we can stay for a little bit longer."  
  
"Goodie," Gandalf grinned. "So, who's up for chicken?"  
  
The elves around him laughed gleefully. The glee, however, had a slight edge to it, which Frodo deemed to be evil.  
  
Good lord, he thought, these creatures are going to try to turn the free peoples of Middle Earth into victims for their sacrifices! "THE ELVES MUST BE DESTROYED!" He screamed suddenly, almost falling into another one of his epileptic episodes. (You can witness such episodes by purchasing The Fellowship of the Ring. Only $25.99 at a store near you! I'm not advertising at all!)  
  
Uh, as the story was saying, the merriment around Frodo halted, and a hushed silence reigned over the room. Frodo, blushing slightly, tried to recover. "I mean the shelves must be destroyed. Yes, the ones over there. They're falling apart, you know."  
  
Some elves laughed tentatively, while others began to cry loudly over the insult to their shelves. Apparently their handiwork isn't all it's cracked up to be.  
  
Frodo used the bawling as a chance to slip from the room. With all the havoc he caused, he wanted to make sure he wasn't the first hobo to be used as a sacrificial element.  
  
Hobbit, he reprimanded himself sharply.  
  
~  
  
Sauron and Bob pulled up to the gates of Gondor in their shiny Mitsubishi. Random Passing Creature was the new gate attendant. He and Sauron go way back.  
  
"Random Passing Creature!" Sauron yelled. "Wassup?"  
  
"Sauron!" Random Passing Creature (although he's really more of a standing creature now, and not random to Sauron) grinned. "I thought you were in exile or something. What brings you back to Middle Earth?"  
  
"Well, that evil stuff was getting a little boring. Apparently people don't like it when you try to take over the world. I can't imagine why. Anyway, I thought, since I was passing through, I would try and steal Aragorn's wife. What's her name? Arwen!"  
  
"Sweet," Random Passing Creature said. "Aragorn bugs me. You might have an easy time stealing Arwen. Aragorn is off trying to find some tree. He's really paranoid; I dunno what's wrong with him."  
  
"Good," Sauron cackled evilly.  
  
"Your famous evil cackle! How are those lessons going?"  
  
"Well, my evil cackling business is on hiatus for the time being. I'm actually thinking of producing a three-step video series on how to steal other people's spouses. It should be quite interesting. However, I must now venture forth to court the Lady Arwen!"  
  
"Bye, Sauron!" Random Passing Creature called as the Mitsubishi sped through the gate.  
  
Author's Note, again - Sorry it took so long to get that chapter out, guys. Anyway, I hope you liked it. Next time, we'll find out whether or not the elves are really trying to take over the world via ritual cult sacrifices, as well as an update on Aragorn's quest for the tree! I apologize for the short length of this chapter.  
  
Thanks for reading! Review, if you feel so inclined. 


	9. Chapter Nine

Author's Note: Wheeeee! I'm back.  
  
Darkling Thrush - Thanks for your review!  
  
Disclaimer - I did not write the Lord of the Rings. I am not Tolkien, although I might look like him if you dress me up like an old dead guy. I also do not mean to mock Tolkien's original works, although he probably hates people like me for tearing apart one of the greatest accomplishments of the twentieth century.  
  
The Return of the Tree - Chapter Nine  
  
Pippin followed Aragorn merrily as the man darted from tree to tree. Pippin vaguely remembered Aragorn saying something about a tree that would be the savior of Gondor, but Pippin didn't really care much about things like that. As long as he had his weed, he was happy. I mean, his pipe.  
  
"Aragorn," Pippin sighed happily, "this reminds me of the good old days. Do you remember? The nine of us trotting happily through Moria and almost getting killed by that fire dude. Those were the days, I tell you."  
  
A look of confusion fell upon Aragorn's face. "Moria? Well, it probably did happen, but I have a very short-term memory, you see. I don't really remember anything that doesn't concern my hair. By the way, what am I looking for?"  
  
"Something about a tree?" Aragorn was seriously starting to scare Pippin. He had a burning desire to run as fast as his little hobo legs could carry him.  
  
"Right you are, mate!" Aragorn clapped his hand with glee. "Arwen told me to find a tree that would save us all. Wait a second. I thought destroying that ring would be the thing that would save us all. Was the ring incarnated into the tree?"  
  
"You said something earlier about restoring Gondor."  
  
"Right. Well, we shall just have to see when we find the tree, shan't we?" Aragorn turned in circles, pretending to look for the tree. He really just liked spinning because it reminded him of Ring around the Rosie.  
  
"Are there any distinguishing features that might help us recognize the tree of which you speak?" Pippin asked curiously.  
  
Aragorn stopped spinning. He fell over, laughing, and looked up at Pippin. "Those were some big words. I didn't understand a single word in that sentence."  
  
Pippin thought for a moment. "Yeah, I didn't understand it either. I heard it on a nature show. What exactly does distinguishing mean?"  
  
"Hell if I know," Aragorn shrugged. "Now we must return to the subject of the tree. Arwen will beat the hell out of me if I don't come home with it."  
  
"Aragorn, are you in a controlling relationship?" Pippin shook his head sympathetically.  
  
Aragorn thought for a moment. After a while he said, "Yes. You know, it's really hard sometimes. I aim to please! I can't help it if I'm ridiculously moronic, absentminded, and pathetically obsessed with myself!" He wiped a tear from his eye.  
  
"It's all right, Aragorn." Pippin bit back a laugh. "I'll help you find the tree. You won't return home empty handed."  
  
"Thanks, man," Aragorn sniffed.  
  
~  
  
Sauron pulled up to Arwen's front door in his Mitsubishi. (Mitsubishi is really fun to type.) He checked his reflection in rear-view mirror.  
  
"Hey, good looking," he winked at himself approvingly. He smoothed back his hair (he removed his super-cool spiky helmet for the occasion) and nodded at his reflection. He then opened his mouth, and before Bob could stop him, he yelled, "Yo bitch, come outside, I'm here to take you out!"  
  
"Sauron!" Bob hissed. "That is not the way to win the affection of the Queen of Gondor!"  
  
"Oh," Sauron looked down in shame. "Would beeping the horn be better?"  
  
"No, no," Bob shook his head. "Go and knock on the door." Bob paused momentarily. "Yuck, Sauron, when was the last time you brushed your teeth?"  
  
"Hey!" Sauron frowned. "Will you give an evil dude a break? I was trying to kill that little hobo, but my bolts of evil lightening kept missing because he was always twitching and stuff!"  
  
"I didn't know you had bolts of lightening."  
  
"He he," Sauron giggled. "Neither did Tolkien."  
  
Sauron popped a few Tic-Tacs in his mouth and breathed on his hand like the people in the commercials. He sauntered up Arwen's path and rang the doorway. Leaning against a pillar, he tried his best to look cool. A mild look of shock came over Arwen's face as she opened the door. Well, mild may be an understatement, but it will suffice to say she wasn't expecting the evil master of Middle Earth to come calling.  
  
"Sauron! The dark lord!" She shrieked. "Aragorn told me you were dead, the bastard. He lied to me! Damn him! Hey, you're evil, go kill my idiot of a husband."  
  
"Actually, my lady, " Sauron said casually, "I was hoping you and I could discuss some things over dinner. You see, I've always been madly in love with you. The beauty of Luthien graces your face, Arlen."  
  
"It's Arwen."  
  
"Exactly what I said," Sauron waved his hand in a dismissive manner.  
  
"What makes you think I would leave my husband, the King of Gondor, for a washed up dark lord who used to be powerful."  
  
"That's exactly what I wished to discuss," Sauron smiled evilly. "I don't believe your husband has the mind capacity to be king. If we can take him out of the picture, then I could rule Gondor with you! And after Gondor, the world! Mwahahaha!"  
  
Arwen sighed and slapped Sauron. "Snap out of it, you fool! Stop giggling, it's creepy."  
  
Sauron gasped, feeling genuinely distraught. "I spent years perfecting my evil cackle! It's an art form, I tell you!"  
  
"Right. Anyway, if I agree, what's in it for me."  
  
"Well, I believe this might interest you." Sauron pulled the little blue box from his pocket and opened it slowly.  
  
Arwen gasped at the sight of the glittering diamond ring in Sauron's hand. She needed no more persuading. "All right. I'll go to dinner. But I'm driving. We'll take my Lexus. That weird creature in your Mitsubishi is scaring me."  
  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, kidos! I know I said I would tell you what happened to Frodo in this chapter, but I'm tired. That will have to wait. The Two Towers DVD comes out in less then a month! Get excited!  
  
Reviews are always, always, always welcome!  
  
Lots of love, Scegan 


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